AVATAR2 PPI Consultant Nicola shares some poetry about part of her experiences living with schizophrenia.
Hi! My name is Nicola, and I am one of the PPI consultants for the AVATAR2 trial and received Avatar Therapy during the first trial. Since having the therapy, I have felt more confident to share my experience and challenges with others of living with paranoid schizophrenia. I attend the creative workshop alongside other PPI members on the trial, where a large focus has been on poetry writing. I had not written poems before but through this workshop, I have gained the confidence to share my lived experience with schizophrenia through writing. It is also amazing and encouraging to hear other members share their poems about their lives and experiences.
Here is a piece I wrote early hours of the morning when I felt inspired to write about my experience. It is called “All I Can Be” …
All I Can Be
Voices are part of me
I’m trying to cling onto reality
Trying to be me
All I can be
The psychosis feels like some sort of hypnosis
I feel hopeless, worthless, unable to focus.
Am I enough?
All I can be
Hallucinations, I hear their constant conversation
Is it real or my imagination?
Please set me free
All I can be
Delusions, confusion, takes me back to my lonely seclusion
It’s a painful reality
All I can be
Demons rule, everything is cruel
They control me, hear me, they see it all
Struggling to be me
All I can be
Here is a piece I wrote about an experience I had in the workplace which I called “Stigma At Work” …
Stigma At Work
My new boss
My schizophrenia, I did disclose
Your misunderstanding
Your face just froze
Phoning my support worker for no reason at all
Wanting to send me home, “It’s safeguarding, it’s the rule”
You said, “Let me know if you’re going to attack me”
You lied, you deceived, you lost your integrity
A barrage of insults, you continued to persist
Telling lies of missed deadlines that didn’t exist
Coming to work with deep trepidation
I’m not ready for your onslaught of intimidation
You didn’t win, you picked on the vulnerable
You didn’t admit it, you hid it, you were culpable
My work there is done, over 15 years
My mind more important than a career
- Nicola 😊